Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
