He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
