my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
