Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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