Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
