My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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