yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
