It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
BRING THE BAGELS
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
