Apparently you make a good broom.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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