Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
