she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
