do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
