For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
