Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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