im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
