My nipple is on Facebook.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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