hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Pants are for mortals
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
