This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
