Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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