I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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