so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
