I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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