Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
