Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
