just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
These tits shall not be calmed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
