my mouth tastes like poor choices
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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