When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
