Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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