but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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