I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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