I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
