i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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