If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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