Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize