You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
