well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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