we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
