I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
