I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
