I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
