he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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