the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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