when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
