i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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