my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
