i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
