: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
