The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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