She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
