my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
