she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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