How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
