Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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