yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
