she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
