I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
id be glad to
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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