Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
