Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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