if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
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just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.