my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.